Handling Defeat

Written by Jason Shields

Recently, many people have experienced defeat in many of its various guises: unemployment, lack of money, a break up in a relationship. You may feel defeated at the present moment. Some thing or some one whom you were counting on failed to materialize the way you thought. Or, you may feel stuck and depressed, powerless over your current situations. How you look at defeat can change your life completely for the better and forever.

Remember this Truth: All people experience defeat daily, even myself. Did I receive and accomplish everything that I had hoped to receive and accomplish today? No. Am I defeated? Have I failed? Depends on the moment and the person you are asking. For myself, defeat is defined differently than what you usually read in the dictionary. Most people equate defeat directly with failure. There is a dichotomy here: on the one hand, defeat is real and necessary for growth and on the other, a feeling of defeat can be negative and destructive.

Firstly, there is no fun or sense of accomplishment in doing something where the chance of defeat is null. Going against the odds is in our human nature; it is what allows us to learn and adapt to changing circumstances in life. What fun is there in knowing that you are going to “win” or “accomplish” something without a little resistance or the chance of losing.

There is no such thing as a “bad” day; only bad instances, moments that seem to go awry. Hard times come and go throughout the day. However, there are good moments, positive and uplifting moments that we experience each day as well. Therefore, logic dictates that there is no such thing as a “bad” life; merely bad experiences. No matter how “bad” Life seems to get, be assured that the pendulum will always swing back to the other side and get better. It always does and always will. Life is in a constant state of change and motion. Too often, we become slaves to our fleeting thoughts and often irrational emotions. We make it too easy to get caught up in the way we currently feel as opposed to looking at life in the present moment, from a detached perspective and simply observe that which is – that which is in the Now.

What we attend to in the present moment is what defines our future selves, our directions, and our empowerment. If we are not moving and flowing in the direction of life's currents, then we are probably stuck in the bank of the river in a tight crevice of frustration, continuously trying to free ourselves loose. The problem is, we try to use the same old tactics: assumptions and “feeling” our way loose.

Assumptions are dangerous and most importantly, they require no action on our part. We simply make an assumption, a faulty judgment or thought about the situation, and then act. The problem with assumptions is that they have no facts to support themselves. They have no basis in true reality, only in our minds do they have power. We falsely assume that when the “right” time or “right” day or “right” person comes along, we will be saved and let loose and all of our problems will eventually dissolve. Life does not work this way. The same problematic situations will continue to manifest themselves through other avenues until you learn to face them and embrace them with the pure knowledge that every situation we encounter in our life is meant as a lesson to improve upon ourselves and the world.

“Feeling” your way out of a troublesome situation means relying on your emotions to somehow break yourself free of your problems. For example, you feel depressed because you gained five pounds over the holidays. Instead of accepting the fact of gaining the extra pounds and taking necessary action to rectify the situation such as eating healthier and exercising, you attempt to rectify it by spending money on some useless piece of clothing or a gadget to make you “feel better”. We tend to believe that when we feel better, we will do better. Dear friend, feelings are just as fleeting as thoughts from one second to the next. Depression may seem to be permanent, but you know in your heart that it is not. Depression comes and goes just like happiness and all other emotions come and go based on your thoughts and experiences of the present moment. Defeat then, is more a “feeling” than it is an outcome or a thing. Can you literally touch defeat with your hands? Can you taste it with your tongue? No! Defeat is merely a thought and a thought can be changed.

You can handle defeat in one of two ways: You can lose confidence in yourself, or you can learn from your mistakes and become better. Notice that I said “become better” which is implies taking action and trying again! Try again. In all of my life, I have never heard of someone dying from “trying again”. Knowing that you will make mistakes along the way is important too. It is a realization that life is far from perfect and that you are far from being perfect. It is a paradox but the “imperfection” in life and others is what makes living so beautiful and exciting! It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose the game; it is not a weakness, it is life. There will be times when it seems that you have lost and there will be times when you felt you have won the greatest victory the world has ever seen. One thing is certain, defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried in the first place is the true failure.